What Do Men Want?

LAS VEGAS. At the recent American Society on Aging (ASA)/National Council on Aging (NCOA) Annual Conference here, I was on a panel with three other men age 50+ who talked about “The New Older Man: Perspectives on Transition.” The other panelists were Bob Atchley, former Chair of the ASA Board; Jim Furman, NCOA’s CEO; and Ron Browne, founding director of The Years Beyond.

There’s an expression in almost every culture I’m familiar with that whatever the number of vocal people in a group, multiply that number by a five, and that’s how many opinions you’ll get.

And we were no exception.

Plus we were abetted by the provocative nature of the topic and an enthusiastic q & a session with the 180 folks in the audience, fairly evenly split between men and women.

Ron and Bob had had the most experience working with older men—Ron had run all sorts of groups, including with men who have dementia; and Bob runs intensive weekends for men dealing with spirituality.

Who Am I?

My contribution to the conversation emanated from the fact that most of my professional life—as a playwright and TV and screen writer and now to some extent with Coming of Age via our “Explore Your Future” series—has focused on the question of “Who am I?”

The variation on this question that I hear most often from other men these days has to with work: Who am I going to be when I’m no longer a teacher or a lawyer or a plumber or whatever? How much of that identity can and will I take into this next phase of my life?

Bob Atchley said a good bit, but I dunno.

The most powerful negative response to this question that I ever heard was in a focus group we conducted to develop the “Explore Your Future” curriculum. It came from a lawyer, a litigator, who said “I’m a warrior. When I leave the law, I’ll be leaving the battleground.”

Yikes! “Old soldiers never die, they just fade away” anyone?

Do Men Who Are Feminists Have an Advantage?

I feel that those of us men who are 50+ that were a part of the feminist movement and other civil rights movements, including gay liberation, have a distinct advantage. We saw what it means to seek a new identity, talk about that with others and come out on the other side of the conversation not only changed but energized by a new sense of who you are.

Another benefit we have in becoming a “new older man” is erectile dysfunction medication. For many men who I know being able to perform sexually is a critical part of one’s sense of oneself as a man and having the insurance policy that these meds provide is really important—something our dads and grandfathers didn’t have.

(Though I have yet to figure out what you’re supposed to do with those twin bathtubs—outside no less! Is one of you supposed to climb into the other tub? Do you then get out and drain that tub in your altogethers? Seems like even if “you’re ready,” all that draining could dampen the mood, so to speak. But I digress… though I enjoyed doing so.)

Two of the other men on the panel felt that guys were never going to sit around and talk about their feelings, in essence, just be with other men and have kaffeeklatsch. Guys, they felt, had to do something together—play sports, hike or play cards, and that was what would trigger conversation about feelings, lives, and what they were thinking regarding the future.

Can We Talk?

Again, I dunno. What about college bull sessions? All right, those late night (and often all night) discussions may have been fueled by beer and not a kaffeclatch or high tea, but wasn’t that just sitting around talking. (To be fair, I have to admit I’ve had some of the best “real talks” with my running buddies on long runs.)

What do you think it would take men to have this conversation about what kind of lives they want for themselves in The Third Age?

Jim Furman told a story that captivated the audience. He had been given tickets to the Obama inauguration. He and his 15-year-old son were en route to the area where they were to stand to see the ceremony, when he realized they would need to run to get there on time to see the swearing in.

A "Come to Moses" Moment

Jim had bypass surgery a year ago and is getting in increasingly better shape, but he knew that though his son could run fast enough to get there on time, he probably couldn’t.

He had been carrying the tickets for both of them, but at this moment handed his son his and told him to run on ahead so the boy could see the ceremony even though Jim thought he wouldn’t—and wouldn’t be able to savor this great moment in history with his son.

Jim’s voice broke when he came to this part. It felt like a “Come to Moses” moment for me—“You go forth to the Promised Land. I’ll see what I can from where I am.”

What a powerful instance of what it means to be a man, a dad, pass the torch, accept limitation, have mixed feelings about it, but deep down understand that something really powerful was happening.

And What of Cialis?

Is that an epiphany of the “new older man?”

Are we really that different?

Do those who are feminists have a decided advantage in learning how to grow older?

Does Cialis or other erectile dysfunction medication really figure into the mix?

Can we do the talk without the walk… or do we need to walk, run, dribble, tackle or pin the other guys first as a means of getting there?

Maybe it’s not “What do Men want?”

Maybe it’s “What do the New Older Men need to do to get where they need to go?” The really good, empowering, engaged and contributing places we need to go?