DON’T WAIT ‘TIL THE LAST MINUTE!
Jacqueline Olds, MD
Most men don’t think that much about friendships during their working life because the workplace supplies some friendships; and families, if a man has one, take up so much energy, time and love. But many men express some regret about not keeping in better touch with their friends after their children leave home because there suddenly is a yawning gap where activities with their children used to be. So, this is a harbinger of what it might be like in retirement when the workplace friendships are gone.
Our discussions with men about their “letting friendships go” during the years with children at home, have let us know that men frequently miss having same sex friends to compare notes with, but they don’t see how they could fit in time for friendship. Our particular society hasn’t put enough emphasis on friendships, and now, we shouldn’t be surprised that pundits are talking about “the epidemic of loneliness.” Instead, there is a tremendous emphasis on work productivity during the prime of life to the detriment of community and friendship, and it does our creativity and level of contentment no favors to have such an emphasis on work.
So our advice to older men who have “forgotten” to stay in touch with their old friends is, start by calling or writing some of your favorites. They are probably as lonesome for their old friends as you are! And the worst that can happen as you try to re-connect is that you might not be able to find their contact information. But it’s definitely worth a try since friends who knew you at different phases of your life are so precious.
Then, men need to put themselves more often in situations where making new friends is a possibility. The ingredients for this situation are a regular activity that you would enjoy even if you never made a single friend, and meetings that turn up weekly or at least monthly. This can be anything from a volunteer job for a local charity, to a poker group that meets monthly. More of these make developing friends more likely. But these groups which might be mostly men, will provide a place to compare notes and gain perspective on the hothouse atmosphere of nuclear family life.
When retirement or unemployment happens, the same sex friendships developed earlier can provide a lifeline making depression much less likely. It is astonishing how often meeting with a group of men can provide connections that will supply a job or volunteer opportunity that allows for stimulation and growth. And the man’s partner (whether woman or man) will appreciate his bringing home stories from his get-togethers with his friends.
Dr. Olds is a Consultant in Psychiatry at McClean Hospital (MGH/McLean Adult Psychiatry Residency Training Program) and Associate Professor of Psychiatry, part-time at Harvard Medical School. One of her specialties is effects of social isolation. jolds@partners.org